A Very Klingon Khristmas Read online

  A VERY KLINGON

  Gallery Books

  A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

  1230 Avenue of the Americas

  New York, NY 10020

  KHRISTMAS

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  Printed in China by Hung Hing.

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  ISBN: 978-14767-4680-7

  A Very Klingon Khristmas is produced by becker&mayer!, Bellevue, Washington.

  www.beckermayer.com

  All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Editor: Dana Youlin

  Designer: Sam Dawson

  Production coordinator: Tom Miller Managing editor: Michael del Rosario Illustrator: Patrick Faricy

  Special thanks to Risa Kessler for developing this concept.

  PAUL RUDITIS

  ILLUSTRATED BY PATRICK FARICY

  Tis only on Khristmas

  we Klingons feel mirth –

  the day of the warrior,

  Kahless’s birth.

  The most fearless of fighters

  we’ll never forget.

  For his equal among us

  has never been met.

  This story is known

  by us all, near and far,

  of the leader who swore

  to return on a star.

  But the one day that Klingons

  all hold the most dear

  has been stolen by humans,

  just like our Shakespeare!

  taH pagh taHbe’

  They took our tradition,

  our hero, our rites,

  our bright decorations . . .

  our Khristmas tree lights.

  They’ve changed up our story –

  they’ve got it all mangled

  in much the same way that

  our lights become tangled!

  It is true we praise Kahless

  in music and song,

  shouting out battle carols

  for all the night long.

  These songs might not

  start out sounding so fine,

  but they always get better

  with hot mulled blood wine.

  ej HumtaH ‘ej DechtaH ‘Iw

  ‘ej Doq SoDtaH ghoSpa’ Sqral bIQtIq

  ‘e’ pa’ jaj law’ mo’ jaj puS

  jaj qeylIS molar mIgh HoHchu’qu

  Then on Khristmas Eve night

  we await Santa Qlas.

  But our Kringle’s equipped

  with retractable claws.

  He, too, makes a list

  of who’s naughty and nice.

  But he doesn’t waste time

  with checking it twice.

  He sees who is sleeping

  and knows who’s awake.

  His scanners and sensors

  aren’t easy to shake.

  Though Santa is fearsome,

  he also brings joy.

  He brings something special

  for each girl and each boy.

  There’s dollies and yo-yos,

  toy trains with conductors,

  and maybe a mek’leth

  or pair of disruptors.

  He carries them all

  in a warp-twenty sleigh,

  led through the night

  by eight tiny birds-of-prey

  (and sometimes a ninth

  that will help clear the way).

  On, Ch’Tang! On, Ki’Tang!

  On, M’Char! And Slivin!

  Neither barring the doors

  nor the chimney will do.

  Santa’s transporter beams

  him right through.

  But houses are ready,

  they’ve all left him snacks;

  some gagh and some racht

  for his hunger attacks.

  The kids sneak downstairs

  for their one chance to see

  Santa Qlas putting

  all their gifts beneath the tree.

  Laying finger on combadge

  that sits on his chest,

  he beams back to his sleigh

  to bring toys to the rest.

  The kids then rush out

  to see what he’s brought

  and learn if their fears

  were all truly for naught.

  For the honorless child

  will find something shocking:

  A troublesome tribble

  awaits in the stocking.

  But the brave Klingon tykes

  will have nothing to dread

  from the visions of evil

  that dance in their heads.

  When the children begin

  to play with their new toys,

  parents send them outside

  to escape from the noise.

  Just like Earth kids,

  they have fun in the snow,

  making snowgons and

  weaponized snowballs to throw.

  Before long they’ll head home

  escaping the cold.

  Klingons hate winter;

  so fast it gets old!

  In each noble house

  families start the feast

  with the head of the house

  carving up the roast beast … er … targ.

  Klingon foods are so fresh

  that some of them crawl.

  The finest of Qo’noS,

  but that is not all.

  Jumja sticks, plomeek soup,

  and sweet Saurian brandy!

  Alien foods are devoured like candy.

  Today is a good day for pie!

  See the couple canoodle

  below mistletoe.

  If he survives courting,

  he’ll become her new beau.

  The leaves twinkle green,

  and the berries shine redly.

  Only Klingons could love

  a plant that’s so deadly.

  Santa watches it all from the stars up above, celebrating the day filled with honor and love.

  With a shout of “Qapla’! ” his sleigh quickly departs.

  Coordinates set on his private star charts.

  And he’s heard to exclaim in the night still and calm,

  “Happy Khristmas to all, and to all a maj ram!”

 

 

  Paul Ruditis, A Very Klingon Khristmas

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